The moment I realized I was off track

When I was twenty, I was studying law and living in a tiny apartment with a roommate where I slept on a mattress on the floor.

One night, overwhelmed by the stacks of law books around me, I picked up a pencil and started drawing a portrait of John Lennon. 

I left the drawing on the table, and, when my roommate walked by, she looked at it and said: “I didn’t know you could draw.”

Without thinking, I answered: “I forgot that I could.”

At the time, I didn’t realize how true that was.

The parts of ourselves we lose

As a kid, I used to draw all the time. My dad taught me how to draw portraits using graphite, and I would spend hours drawing faces from magazines.

Drawing was the first time I experienced what psychologists call flow, that feeling where time disappears.

But somewhere around fourteen or fifteen, that part of me faded. It just didn’t seem to interest my teenage self anymore.

So when I got a scholarship to study law, it felt like the responsible choice. My family had always struggled financially, and law promised stability.

The problem was, I deeply hated it.

A friend once said to me: “Law? I never thought of you as a lawyer.”

At the time I thought she was being rude, but now I think she saw something I just couldn’t see yet.

I was building a life that didn’t match who I was.

The Courage to trust 

Not long after, I saw a poster on a wall in my small town in the Southernmost part of Brazil. It was about a cultural exchange program to the United States.

I remember standing there reading it and feeling butterflies. That night I couldn’t sleep with excitement.

Of course the decision to leave everything behind didn’t make any sense. I barely spoke English, and had never left my small town. I didn’t know what would happen.

But once I saw that possibility, the feeling of wanting to have that experience was too strong to ignore.

So I followed it.

That decision eventually led me to live in the US, build a life around art, sharing my work, teaching, working with major companies in Silicon Valley, and creating immersive experiences for women navigating their own turning points.

None of it was planned, but built by following what felt alive, one step at a time.

We’re often rewarded for becoming who the world understands, not who we actually are. But who we’re capable of becoming isn’t always fully visible, even to us. It takes a certain kind of trust to follow what feels true, especially when we can’t see the finish line.

What I’ve learned from other women

Looking back, I can see that my path didn’t change just because I ‘figured myself out.’ It changed because I said yes to experiences and environments that allowed a truer version of me to emerge.

Years later, I started to see this same pattern in the women I spoke with who were interested in joining my retreats.

Most of them were in midlife, going through transitions and changes in their lives, and many felt lost.

But I noticed that the real issue was that their lives had been built for a version of themselves that no longer existed. They were looping through the same routines, without giving themselves the chance to experience something new.

They were living in environments that no longer supported who they were becoming.

Because environment shapes identity more than we realize. The routines we follow, the roles we play, the people around us, all these things influence who we become. And without a change in environment (even if temporary), we may never see the possibilities waiting on the other side.

A simple way to reconnect

When you experience yourself in a new environment, old patterns loosen, and you start to see yourself and your life with more distance. You notice what still fits and what doesn’t.

And when you return home, you don’t come back the same. 

Most of the changes that follow aren’t necessarily dramatic. They’re small, but meaningful.

You may want to explore new interests, spend your time differently. And all of a sudden you begin shaping your life so it reflects who you are now, not who you used to be.

Maybe you’re not lost

When life feels misaligned, it may simply mean the version of you that built your life is no longer the version of you living in it. And the best way to test what stays and what goes is trying new things. That can mean many different things, whether you travel, join a club, go on a retreat, learn a new skill, there are many possibilities available. 

I often think back to that night in my apartment when I realized I forgot that I could draw. 

Maybe you haven’t lost yourself either. Maybe there are parts of you simply waiting for the right conditions to come back to life.

A question for you

What is something you once loved that you’ve let go of, and what would it look like to return to it, even in a small way?

By Ana Beij

Author Bio

Ana Beij is an artist and creative experience designer based in Austin, Texas. After leaving law school, she built a life centered around art, cultural exploration, and human connection. She now hosts immersive creative retreats for women around the world, designed for those navigating moments of transition and seeking deeper connection with themselves and their creativity.

Website: www.anabeij.com